"The first time you like a women, it is called love, but the second time is simply lust"
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As you all may know, my heart had been broken to pieces quite badly last year. Yes, it was my first heartbreak and also the most shittiest in my whole 18 years of life time. I fell in love with a girl, the girl ends up being hurt because of me, then she found out about my feelings for her, ends up putting me aside, have a good time with her so-called boyfriend and then disappeared completely out of my life. I a spent a good deal of time recuperating, trying to cope with the loss *yes, we had no relationship what-so-ever, so I prefer to call her my unofficial ex*. Try to imagine it, I spend 4 months texting with her, trying to convey my feelings, but it fell on deaf ears. Then right after the final exam, I found out the cruel truth about her feelings for me. Believe me, its effing brutal. She already decided to ignore me, so I had to disappear from her radar too. I walked away just like that, expecting some kind of a reaction, but then again, who am I to give that kind of effect to her. She wouldn't even f**king care. I am nothing less, nothing more.
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Enough with the confession, let's go on.
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My post this time is based solely on the phrase above. After a long absence of a women in my life, I decided to take action. I wanted to find someone that I would be able to expressed my feelings to. My search bears fruit in the form of two exceptionally attractive,beautiful young women. One where I had build a friendship with *which I hope would never be severed no matter what happens in the future* and another where I had took my own initiative to communicate with * and I hope would be able to befriend and stay in touch with*. Now here's the question, is what I'm doing right now the right thing? Should I continue to pursue both women in exchange for my own happiness? Is the feelings that I felt for both of them are love, or simply a biological attraction? Is this simply "me" trying to once again forget the pain that I felt last time?
I am ashamed and I do not know why.
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Let me tell you guys about them.
The first one thinks of me as a listener. Someone that she could trust and tell her problems to. She always think of herself as ugly, or fat or..well anything that's not good. I had to tell her that she's pretty as the way she is. The first time I met her, she thought I would run away because she thinks she not as pretty as I thought she is on Facebook. But then again, that was the first factor that made me to become attracted to her. Her appearance, then once I know her for quite some time, it was her personality that charms me till today. She had a rough time lately, and I hoped she'll be okay for the time being without me by her side. I hope.
Then, we have the second girl. I met her recently. It was a coincidence though. She was friend to a friend of mine. Specifically her housemate, she actually came to accompany her friend *my friend* for our study group session. And I *once again* fell, on the spot. I know, it's wrong for a guy like me to have this feeling when I'm actually rooting for another girl. But I can't help it. I felt a strange attraction to her. The more I listened to her talking, I realized that it made me remembered the good times back in the old days when I never felt any heartbreaks, the time when I am still naive. The smile, her demeanor, every single detail..
Then I came upon another thing. This gave the most biggest impact on me. It says : "If the man that I love fell upon another girl, then I'd leave him. If he really did loved me, he wouldn't had tried to find another option. He would have trust me. I don't want to become a choice." Something like that along the line.
Am really trying my hardest to fall in love again? Or is this my way of trying to prevent myself from feeling hurt again. Right now, I have the choice of hurting the feelings of two women that I cared for. But if I really did care of their feelings, would I do all of these in the first place?
Now I am wondering. Is this love? or lust?
Think.
