Worst Possible Conclusion?

Assalamualaikum. 

Last night was a bit sad for me. You know how I said that right now, there's no way Orange would accept me, right? Well, last night I actually went overboard again when she finally got online. I guess those signs that says "I've been single for too long" is obvious all over my face. -.-

But that's not the point that makes me sad actually. You see, Orange asked me a question. She said, "If I'm really not around anymore..I wonder what would happen to you?* That question of hers was a response to my post on her wall *the one that I said "Oi crazy.I miss you.*. Somehow, someway, out all all possible answers I chose the most immature one. I said "I will become crazy. Seriously.*Wussy answer ftw.

I don't know why, but I think....I think that answer actually made her lose any kind of mutual respect she had of me. It's..it's a bit frustrating, when you know you love that girl, but you can't do anything else in order to make her love you back. You tried to become blunt about the way you express your feelings to her, but sometimes, even if you said something so honest, the girl that you like wouldn't really believe what you said. And at the same time, it became so apparent that you're acting like that because you're desperate to get a hold of her, because you know, the moment you step back, other guys would act like a pack of hungry hyenas just to get her attention. 

 Getting the word "I love you too" is the most hardest thing any guy could possibly imagine. *At least, that's what I think for myself*. I always wondered to myself, "How does those girls feel, knowing that some average joe's loving them so much, but they can't do anything because they don't feel anything for the poor guy in the first place?" It makes everything worse since I have a lot of time in hand, making me incapable of doing something else other than thinking about my life and crap. -.-

Then I remember something from a khutbah. The ustaz said, when we silence ourselves, we would only feel shame once. But once we open our mouth, some of the words would cause us shame for a life time. Right now, that's what happening to me. From today, I think it's better for me to NOT open my mouth again when it's about Orange. Because I know I can't control myself when I think about her.

*I wonder if I'll go crazy for doing this?*

Assalamualaikum. Have a nice day.

I Did Something Right? Right?

Assalamualaikum. 

*kenapa la aku ni jiwang sangat??*

"ala relax ah . perempuan mane reti merajuk , marah lelame . Merajuk , marah ape sume tu tanda sayang"- Dyana Zainal

 aku petik kate-kate nasihat ni daripada sorng member pompuan aku yang agak sempoi kalau nk dibandingkan daripada pompuan biasa.

Cerite nye mcam ni. Semenjak dua menjak ni, aku terase macam ade sesuatu yang berubah dalam diri aku ni. Aku terase macam nk jadi peramah dengan semua orang. So, disebabkan aku dah buat mcam ni dengan semua orang, aku nk buat yang same dekat Oren. Aku cube untuk cari pasal la dengn die ni. I mean, alah sje je la nak usik. Die kate kalau berbahas die memang sentiase nk menang. So, aku cube cabar die menggunakan sesuatu yang die takkan dapat lawan and aku sure menang.

Aku hantar request untuk dia jadi girlfriend aku.. HAHA. Bodoh kan? Aku kate kalau dia tak terime, mknenye aku menang. Dia kalah. *oh..why the hell did I said so in the first place..t-.-t* At that time, I didn't think twice, aku cume fikir "Kalau aku tak buat, aku tak rugi. Kalau aku buat pun aku tak rugi ape-ape. Kalau dia tak terime, aku menang. meaning, aku kene usaha lagi in the future.Tapi kalau dia terima, aku kalah but still happy."  

You know what's worse? Dia cakap kat aku supaya "jangn buat bende yang dia tak suke. Dia SERIUS." Knowing what she had said, I did it anyway. Seriously , this time I really blew everything up. If what Dyana said above is true..then that means aku kne tunggu lah. Maybe Oren tak rase ape-ape pun dengan ape yang aku buat ni. Ye aku tau, Orange is the type of women that wouldn't give shit about things that she doesn't hold any interest in. Dia tu jenis perempuan yang sempoi. So, ade banyak kemungkinan yang cuma aku sorng je yang fikir bukan-bukan ni. Macam biase la kan, aku ni memang cepat fikir negatif. Mase-mase macam ni lah  aku akan tepuk dada aku and say "alll iz well" macam yang Aamir Khan buat dlm cite 3 Idiots tu. *lol sempat lagi aku sembang pasal movie -.-*

So yea, si Oren ni pulak ade exam esok. Aku rase memang patut pun dia ignore aku buat mase ni. Aku pun rse macam bersalah plak buat macam ni time die dekat-dekat nak final ni. Macam siot je..
Well, biar lah mase yang menentukan sume. *tak boleh blah ayat aku* if dalam satu jangka masa tu, Oren mcam dh lupe kat aku, aku redha je lah. Ade jodoh, ade lah.

Assalamualaikum.

p/s Oren, good luck exam kau k

I'm Dying To Know What The Annoying Orange Is Doing Right Now

Assalamualaikum all..

*I'm thinking of what Orange is doing right now...*

Coming back home for my mom this weekend is practically a boring experience ( I know, I'm with my family, so I wasn't expecting anything interesting to happen) While I was lying around on in my bed doing nothing. I started to think of Orange. I kept on wondering, "what is she doing right now? what would she do during her past time when she doesn't have any credits to reply to my text? maybe she already forget that I existed? should I call? but I might be interfering with her life if I do that.. what should I do?" no matter how I try to brush it off, I kept on thinking the same thing over and over again. I'm sure she thinks that I'm a nuisance right now. Huh..so much about me not going to chase her..

 I'd wish I would have the ability to read other people's thoughts.. At least I don't need to go upside down topsy turvy just so that I can figure out what she is thinking. I mean, just yesterday I took a glimpsed at my phone like 35 time.. 35 TIMES I'm telling ya! Never once in my life I did that so many times. 

Then, a couple of day ago, while I was anxiously waiting for her to text (to no avail) Sasori saw how I acted. I remembered clearly what he said to me that time.. "Oi, kau ingat budak tu hak kau ke? Die tu ade life sendiri kau tau tak? Tak payah la kau nak mngharapkan die sentiase ade untuk kau! Nanti last2 die rase kau ni control sngt, trus die tak minat kau lagi dah!" Then after I manage to call Orange, Kakyoin said the same thing.. "bahaye la kau ni, asyik2 nk call die je. Kalau kau tak berenti, lame2 kau asyik2 nk call, last2 jadi tabiat. Susah kau nnt.."

Then let me ask you guys.. kalau aku tak text or call die, kalau die lupe aku macamane? Aku ni dah la takde rupe, pendek pulak tu. Kalau aku tak buat macamtu, takde pompuan yang sedar aku actually suke diorang. Nak buat bende lagi frust lagi, aku ni nak pakai ayat berbunga-bunga memang tak pandai! Kalau aku pakai ayat-ayat kejadah tu semua, aku rase si Oren ni pun akan gelak je kat aku. I mean.. aku tak rase, tapi aku TAU yang she would just think of it as a joke. Why? Because she a mature women, full of experience, making these kind of jokes with her buddies all the time, and of course, she can't look at me seriously because she has NO reason to look at me seriously just yet. I can't leave a heavy impression of my true feelings to her with me in this state. I guess that means I myself am not mature enough.

Now my question is.. How can I show her that I like her so much but at the same time NOT acting too desperate to get her attention?...My mind's all blurrryyyyy.....*sigh

assalamualaikum, kthanxbai

Problema?

Assalamualaikum and yo dawgs

Have you guys ever had a crush on someone but at the same time, you already had a mind-set of your own telling yourself that "Even if I do like her, that doesn't mean she needs to like me back."? 

Do you? Well that's the thing. I always have this kind of mind-set whenever I started to feel something for someone. At first, I'm okay with it. I mean, heck I know I don't look that good, and if I like someone that looks drop dead gorgeous, that means I'll either get her OR not. That's just how God and fate shifts in for normal guys like me. Am I right? Having this mind-set also means that I don't need to give a fark about my own feelings. Everything is about her, my job is to make her happy and I don't need to expect anything out of it. If things goes well, that means she will like me back, OR in the worst case scenario, she'll think of me as a good friend and the friendship COULD somehow  blooms into something much more magnificent? I don't know, ever since I'm a kid, I kinda hoped that things like that would happen to me. At least once before I close my eyes forever. I always read stories about it happening all around the world. You know, having a lover that was once your best friend  is possibly one of an average guy's dream.

 

*Don't we all love it when we have a best friend for a girlfriend?*

Then again, when it comes to feelings, things would never be easy. Yes, I remembered once when Ayya told me this. I know that I already vowed about not thinking about my own feelings, but as time goes by, I started to think that in order to conveyed the message that "I like her", I need to show that I CARED for her. But sometimes, when I do that, I'm afraid if she would think of me as an annoying guy. In one of my older entry, I wrote about how I hope that my friendship with her wouldn't be ruined, and I sincerely thought that she is an amazing person to befriend.

It's funny really, when I thought myself as a technical/systematic guy that wouldn't be swayed easily by all that crap bullshit about LOVE and ENDLESS whatnot, but the moment I gave a thought about HER, then everything change. I know that I had felt this before and I SHOULD have been accustomed to it, but I just CAN'T.

This phrase (or something) clearly gave away the true feelings of men such as myself:

"No matter how much a guy flirts a lot, he would always think of his one true love every night before he sleeps." -Anonymous

 *Doraemon, always helps when you want to convey your feelings*

I know I talk with girls a lot, and I know that sometimes, the way others see it as if I'm trying to court them into submission, but seriously, the ONLY reason I did that in the first place was because I never had friends from the opposite gender( if you want to count the ones I had in kindergarten, that's an exception) 

Again, I sincerely hope that she wouldn't hate me because I acted like a douche. A guy can only look like a fool for someone he loves.That's pretty much what I'm trying to do. I just hope I won't look THAT foolish and ends up making her hate me in the process (which already had happened before to me).

*A dream come true for every single being in this whole wide universe*

Assalamualaikum, kthnxbai.

Is this love? Or simply a biological crush?

 "The first time you like a women, it is called love, but the second time is simply lust"

................................

As you all may know, my heart had been broken to pieces quite badly last year. Yes, it was my first heartbreak and also the most shittiest in my whole 18 years of life time. I fell in love with a girl, the girl ends up being hurt because of me, then she found out about my feelings for her, ends up putting me aside, have a good time with her so-called boyfriend and then disappeared completely out of my life. I a spent a good deal of time recuperating, trying to cope with the loss *yes, we had no relationship what-so-ever, so I prefer to call her my unofficial ex*. Try to imagine it, I spend 4 months texting with her, trying to convey my feelings, but it fell on deaf ears. Then right after the final exam, I found out the cruel truth about her feelings for me. Believe me, its effing brutal. She already decided to ignore me, so I had to disappear from her radar too. I walked away just like that, expecting some kind of a reaction, but then again, who am I to give that kind of effect to her. She wouldn't even f**king care. I am nothing less, nothing more.

..................................

Enough with the confession, let's go on.

..................................

My post this time is based solely on the phrase above. After a long absence of a women in my life, I decided to take action. I wanted to find someone that I would be able to expressed my feelings to. My search bears fruit in the form of two exceptionally attractive,beautiful young women. One where I had build a friendship with *which I hope would never be severed no matter what happens in the future* and another where I had took my own initiative to communicate with * and I hope would be able to befriend and stay in touch with*. Now here's the question, is what I'm doing right now the right thing? Should I continue to pursue both women in exchange for my own happiness? Is the feelings that I felt for both of them are love, or simply a biological attraction? Is this simply "me" trying to once again forget the pain that I felt last time?

I am ashamed and I do not know why. 

..............................

Let me tell you guys about them. 

The first one thinks of me as a listener. Someone that she could trust and tell her problems to. She always think of herself as ugly, or fat or..well anything that's not good. I had to tell her that she's pretty as the way she is. The first time I met her, she thought I would run away because she thinks she not as pretty as I thought she is on Facebook. But then again, that was the first factor that made me to become attracted to her. Her appearance, then once I know her for quite some time, it was her personality that charms me till today. She had a rough time lately, and I hoped she'll be okay for the time being without me by her side. I hope.

Then, we have the second girl. I met her recently. It was a coincidence though. She was friend to a friend of mine. Specifically her housemate, she actually came to accompany her friend *my friend* for our study group session. And I *once again* fell, on the spot. I know, it's wrong for a guy like me to have this feeling when I'm actually rooting for another girl. But I can't help it. I felt a strange attraction to her. The more I listened to her talking, I realized that it made me remembered the good times back in the old days when I never felt any heartbreaks, the time when I am still naive. The smile, her demeanor, every single detail..

Then I came upon another thing. This gave the most biggest impact on me. It says : "If the man that I love fell upon another girl, then I'd leave him. If he really did loved me, he wouldn't had tried to find another option. He would have trust me. I don't want to become a choice." Something like that along the line. 

Am really trying my hardest to fall in love again? Or is this my way of trying to prevent myself from feeling hurt again. Right now, I have the choice of hurting the feelings of two women that I cared for. But if I really did care of their feelings, would I do all of these in the first place?

Now I am wondering. Is this love? or lust?

Think.