3 Years Later Part I

A thousand years. A millennium. An eternity.

Felt like ages since the last time I set my foot in this blog. I remembered promising to myself that I'll write an entry a week. That didn't go so well, I guess.

Anyways..

Dear future wife.

How long has it been since you've read an entry in this blog? I'm sure you're wondering about where I went to, and what happened to me these past 3 years. I'm not even sure if you'd still care, but a man could dream, couldn't he? Life hasn't been nice to me since back then. I've graduated from diploma, but I didn't feel like teaching just yet, so I went ahead and do something crazy instead. I went to work at a saw-mill, doing odd-jobs and earn a minuscule amount of payment for my work. I know, you must be wondering why I did that. Well, strangely enough, I don't really remember why I wanted to do such thing, no concrete reasons, I supposed.

At least I learned a lot about humility, being put on the absolute lowest of the social hierarchy. I learned a lot about talking to the common folks. Looking at life from their perspective, it makes us humble, thankful for everything that we have in our life. 

Anyways, I've enrolled in USM during the second half of last year. I have to admit, being absent from studying for almost 2 years and a half, working my ass off at god knows where and lacking in the social department for quite some time made me feel terrified at the fact that I'm going to be a student again. And the feelings that I had at the time were based upon a concrete fact. It was justified.

The day came, and the torturing session starts. The mandatory orientation week were scary, almost consequently crazy, in my POV it was almost as if I've been put into a cage of lions and I was a stray cat. 3 weeks went by and I was struggling to fit in. Having a resting bitch face was not helping, and my depression starts to resurface again.

Unfortunately for me, the experience would be further amplified in the most negative of aspects.

A couple of days after the orientation week, I finally realized the dreadfulness of my situation. It was real, I'm doing degree in one of  the big named uni in my country, and me, this one boy with an average mind, and soul is going to be shove into a pressure cooker of agony and despair. This won't be a walk in the park like diploma, there's no Afiq, Syamil or Bo to save me here. I am alone. And I my mind was deteriorating, in the most shittiest way possible. It was a hot day when I find myself going through one of my blackout episodes. It was the first one of many more to come. I was walking by myself to class when, in a split second moment I completely blanked out, losing a small part of my memory in the process.

I was sitting on the pavement beside the busy road when the blackout happened, nobody was near me so I was spared from an awkward encounter with anyone. I was confused, but I carried on walking to the class. I kept quiet about it the whole day.

That night I spend alot thinking about the fact that my memory is slowly fading, one by one. I was scared, terrified, felt as if death was creeping around the corner. If there was one thing that I'm scared the most other than death, and loneliness, it was the fact that I would eventually forget everyone that was ever dear to me. That feeling alone was enough to cause my stomach to caved in by itself.

cont...