Confession

(Anyone who read this, I advice you to go and puke yourself out. This entry would be full of stereotypical romance stuff that a guy would think of)

Assalamualaikum~

Have you ever felt like confessing your feelings but in the end never did it because you didn't have the courage to do so? And then when you finally manage to muster up enough courage, you learned that she's not ready to settle for a commitment? But towards the end, you told her your feelings anyway.

These couple of days since the last time I updated this blog, my heart was telling me something. Last time I wrote about how I don't mind if "she" doesn't feel the same way about me. Well, I lied. I do mind about that. I just don't make a big fuss about it, and also because I don't want to pressure her with this silly feelings of mine. 

It happened yesterday when I was hanging out with my homies at the cafe when I saw her. Because of what I wrote on her FB, somehow I became..embarrassed when I saw her. I wanted to say hi, but my ego was obstructing me from doing so. Haha, so much for being an ego-free guy huh.. I guess I still have a lot of things to fix with this personality of mine. 

Then, back at the hostel I went online and accidentally, I saw that she was online too. Out of curiosity, I called out to her. 

Me: uii
Her: oii
Me: are u at the cafe?
Me: i saw you just now
Her: haaa, when did you see me?

Me: i was wth my buddies when they said that u wre there

Her: if u saw me, then why no say hi to me?

Me: heck no, i was shy lolz

Her: lol ==''
Her: oi, wanna hang out? im dead bored

Me: im all set, where?

Her: just at th cfe

Me: when?

Her: how bout 4?

Me: ok then! cnt wait to see ya

Her: lol, im wering a green shirt n my hair is messy like crzy, my face even got pimples all over

Me: ek eleh, as if I would care. i think u look just nice

Her: lol ==''

(other contents of the IM was taken out for the sake of privacy, thank you)

And the promised time finally arrived.

Me: (sleeping)

Her: waiting

(That was the stupidest mistake that I had ever done in my whole life -.-'')

When I got there, she was hanging out with her friends. When I finally had the chance to talk with her personally, she jokingly told me to keep my distance, ( I guess she would still be awkward with me, *sigh* ).Time went on peacefully as awkward silence took the best of both of us... when she finally took the initiative to speak. And from there things went a bit smoothly.

As she talks about her family, about how she was the one her parents gave the freedom to act and about how she love to buy clothes by herself, about her best friend and her school days. Then we talked about why she never believe it when people said she's pretty. I told her that my friends thinks she is pretty, but she said they were only being nice to me because they know that I had a crush on her. I kept on telling her that my friends wouldn't do such a thing. Even for me. But she laughs it off.

Then, as I watched  her while she was talking, I went towards the door, trying to make sure nobody would be there. Because I'm gonna do something that I hope I would never have any doubts in. I took a chair, and sit closer to her.

Me: ...I'm wanna talk about something really lame right.

Her: ?

Me: Do you actually believe me when I said I have a crush on you?

Her:Nope.

*she answered that without any doubts lololz TT______TT*

(she told me why she thought so)

Her: Once, my friend's friend wanted to get to know me because he saw my picture, but when he finally met me, he somehow changed his mind. Since then, I had troubles with camera but since my friends always bugs me about taking pictures with them, I guess I'm inseparable with cameras now lolz
Me: But it's a normal thing for someone to like you solely based on your pictures. You listen here, when I first know you, I like you because I think you're pretty. But then as time went on, I manage get to know you better and I realized that you're much more beautiful than I thought you would be. You're like, crazily friendly. Then, when I saw what you wrote, you didn't want to find anyone else because you'd just had a big breakup. So I understand what you're going through. But..I still wanna asked you this.. Are you willing to be my..girlfriend..?

Her: o____O'''
Me: Okay, you don't need to answer that now, because I would seriously run away if I see you next time.  I don't care how long it would take, 5 months, maybe half a year, I don't mind that. Just...please believe me when I said that I like you very much.

Her:...You're seriously making me blushing right now..
Me: XD *laughing* You know, I hope even when you know that I like you, the way you treat me would be no different, I hope you'll always be as fun as now. It's because, I once had a crush on a friend and because of that, she ends up hating me so much. I want us to keep on being friends now...and towards the end still become good friends.

Her: ... I take a lot of time recuperating, sometimes.. it would take years. So..let me tell you this. If someday, you actually fall for someone else, I hope you won't put your whole feelings for her. Because it would hurt you a lot. And when you talked about that girl that you like before, I don't thing she actually hates you, I think it's because she is afraid that she would hurt your feelings. I mean, if I became your girlfriend, that would mean I am the first one for you. That's why I would feel like I have an obligation to stop you from feeling pain in a relationship. I hope you would understand what I'm trying to say here..
Me: Well. I do understand what you're trying to say, but one for thing for sure, I am going to wait for you. And that's a promise. *grin*

Her: lol =..=""

(after what I did that day.. it felt like a burden was lifted off my shoulder. I felt like a free men. Just like Guy would say "Now you can sleep easily, eat easily, and go to the toilet easily") *he sure knows what he's talking about*

After that, we spent a bit of our time chatting. Deep down inside, I was being thankful because at least she didn't outright rejected me. So, now I can finally went on with my life. Why? Because I just have to wait till fate makes everything happens. With that, I'll keep on having faith. That's what a guy like me would do ohohohohoho~ 

Assalamualaikum kthnxbai

Problema?

Assalamualaikum and yo dawgs

Have you guys ever had a crush on someone but at the same time, you already had a mind-set of your own telling yourself that "Even if I do like her, that doesn't mean she needs to like me back."? 

Do you? Well that's the thing. I always have this kind of mind-set whenever I started to feel something for someone. At first, I'm okay with it. I mean, heck I know I don't look that good, and if I like someone that looks drop dead gorgeous, that means I'll either get her OR not. That's just how God and fate shifts in for normal guys like me. Am I right? Having this mind-set also means that I don't need to give a fark about my own feelings. Everything is about her, my job is to make her happy and I don't need to expect anything out of it. If things goes well, that means she will like me back, OR in the worst case scenario, she'll think of me as a good friend and the friendship COULD somehow  blooms into something much more magnificent? I don't know, ever since I'm a kid, I kinda hoped that things like that would happen to me. At least once before I close my eyes forever. I always read stories about it happening all around the world. You know, having a lover that was once your best friend  is possibly one of an average guy's dream.

 

*Don't we all love it when we have a best friend for a girlfriend?*

Then again, when it comes to feelings, things would never be easy. Yes, I remembered once when Ayya told me this. I know that I already vowed about not thinking about my own feelings, but as time goes by, I started to think that in order to conveyed the message that "I like her", I need to show that I CARED for her. But sometimes, when I do that, I'm afraid if she would think of me as an annoying guy. In one of my older entry, I wrote about how I hope that my friendship with her wouldn't be ruined, and I sincerely thought that she is an amazing person to befriend.

It's funny really, when I thought myself as a technical/systematic guy that wouldn't be swayed easily by all that crap bullshit about LOVE and ENDLESS whatnot, but the moment I gave a thought about HER, then everything change. I know that I had felt this before and I SHOULD have been accustomed to it, but I just CAN'T.

This phrase (or something) clearly gave away the true feelings of men such as myself:

"No matter how much a guy flirts a lot, he would always think of his one true love every night before he sleeps." -Anonymous

 *Doraemon, always helps when you want to convey your feelings*

I know I talk with girls a lot, and I know that sometimes, the way others see it as if I'm trying to court them into submission, but seriously, the ONLY reason I did that in the first place was because I never had friends from the opposite gender( if you want to count the ones I had in kindergarten, that's an exception) 

Again, I sincerely hope that she wouldn't hate me because I acted like a douche. A guy can only look like a fool for someone he loves.That's pretty much what I'm trying to do. I just hope I won't look THAT foolish and ends up making her hate me in the process (which already had happened before to me).

*A dream come true for every single being in this whole wide universe*

Assalamualaikum, kthnxbai.